So on June 20th I had a doctors appointment where they checked my dilation and how I was progressing. The process of checking became extremely uncomfortable and painful for me. My doctor mentioned something about how high and slanted my cervix was and that it was hard for him to reach it. He offered to strip my membranes but after seeing how much pain I was in from just the check, he told me it would be best not to and that we would try to do it next week. I felt so disappointed coming out of that appointment because I really wanted to get my membranes swept to try and get this baby out as soon as possible haha but I honestly (and call me a giant baby) couldn't handle the pain.
Paul and I drove to the Ragar house to have a nice swim and try to relax. It felt SOO good feeling weightless in the pool. It really helped me to relax and find some peace. Afterwards Paul and I went back to out apartment, got pizza, watched a few shows and then went to bed.
At 2:30AM June 21 I woke up feeling wet. I totally thought I had peed my pants a little (really this isn't unusual being pregnant haha) so I went to the bathroom and cleaned up. During that time I had a small contraction but felt fine afterwards and went back to bed. Around 4 I woke up again from a bigger contraction but feel asleep soon after. Then around 5 I went to the bathroom and I just knew this wasn't pee this time haha. My water had definitely broken. I always thought that when your water breaks it's like one big gush and then it's over... that's definitely not how it was haha. It just kept coming and coming. I had no idea that it lasted for so long. I called Paul from the bathroom and then all of a sudden we were calling the doctor and the hospital and getting ready to make the dash to the hospital! It was a crazy feeling leaving our apartment knowing we would return with a baby!
I told myself over and over again before going into labor that I NEEDED to remember to eat something before going to the hospital. That I needed to stuff my face so that I wouldn't be so sick to my stomach while not being able to eat. We stopped at McDonalds of all places just before getting to the hospital. While I'm literally sitting in my own amniotic fluid (sickkk)and having contractions closer and stronger, Paul is ordering a bacon cheese mcmuffin and four hash browns lol. I was right in the middle of a contraction when Paul handed me a giant drink to hold while he was handed the other food. At that point I was thinking, "what in the heck are we doing?! I need to get to the hospital!" haha. But the contraction passed and I was able to scarf down a hash brown.
We finally got to the hospital. While walking through the front area I noticed that anyone could tell where I had been walking because I was literally leaking EVERYWHERE. It was so sick. The front desk lady was like "Well! You've got an automatic admission!" Since she could definitely see my water had broken.
Getting the IV in was cake! I was so worried about getting it in because so many people say that it literally the worst part about labor... umm no haha. The worst was yet to come.
The nurse tried to check me to see how dilated I was but again, it was mentioned that my cervix was too high and that she actually couldn't even find it. I was in so much pain when they were trying to check me that they decided they would wait until I had my epidural so I would be more comfortable. They started me on pitocin and I got set up in the delivery room. This is when things started to feel real. Looking over at that little bassinet and thinking I would have a baby soon was just so out of this world.
At around 1:30pm I decided it was time for the epidural. I was completely terrified but it really wasnt all that bad at the time. A few stings and it was uncomfortable for a minute but at around 2 I started to feel alllll it's glory. The pain meds were definitely working as well because the room was spinning and I felt high as a kite. I was sooooo happy haha. I turned on The Beatles (which probably didn't help the high feeling) and relaxed. I remembering texting my dad "I feel free as a bird" and "happiness is a warm epidural" lol.
Since I couldn't feel anything at that point, they checked me and I was only at a 4 but could stretch to a 5. At around 6pm I was at a 6 and at 7pm I was at an 8.
Now at around this time is when everything was getting really intense and my mind is pretty cloudy. At some point, my doctor showed up and checked me. I was getting really close and he made his guess that I would have baby at around 8! I was fully dilated and ready to start practice pushing. It gave me so much confidence! Until I could slowly feel my epidural wear off. I was always told this was a myth by many many people... But I am here to tell you.. THE EPIDURAL CAN WEAR OFF. The nurse told me that I wasn't allowed to press the heaven sent button that numbs me because I had started pushing. So there I was in extreme pain and feeling every contraction. At one point I threw up EVERYWHERE and was a complete mess. (Paul says that he was impressed with how far it shot haha). The shaking was out of control and drove me crazy. We continued to push and I thought I was literally going to die every time a contraction hit. I thought that at one point the nurse would say something like "I see progress!" but no. baby wasn't budging and all that pushing was for nothing.
My poor mother in law was in the room this entire time seeing her daughter in law be a crazy lunatic haha. I am so thankful for her support and for everything she did to help Paul and I during all of this. She is truly heaven sent.
My doctor came in to check me and said that because of the way my bones were so narrow, and how my cervix was tilted, baby's head and shoulders were being squished down at an angle. He let me and the nurse push for a little while longer until I could no longer handle any of it any more! we stopped all pushing and they called in the anesthesiologist to discuss options. They gave me more medicine but it wasn't working. I couldn't feel my legs but I could definitely feel my stomach and abdomen. They just couldn't understand why this was happening. I felt like they didn't believe when I told them I could feel all their pokes and pricks on my belly but not on my legs. When they finally believed me they gave me more drugs. By this time it was well over midnight. June 22. My birthday! Happy birthday to me, here is the worst pain you'll ever feel in your life.
My doctor checked me one last time and broke the sad news. He told me that how my bones are makes it too narrow for babies to fit and drop down. (I understand people have their own opinions about this and think that it's a myth for the pelvic bones to be too narrow for a baby to drop. I'm not sure what to say to those opinions because my bones are literally too narrow and are tilted so baby couldn't drop down. It's fact haha. but we are all entitled to our own opinion.) We needed to go ahead and do a c section. He gave me the option to keep pushing if I really wanted to but told me I could push for another 4 hours and nothing would happen. It's funny because the day before, Paul asked me if I was prepared to have a c section if that was something I had to do. I shook it off and said there's no way I would have a c section.. I should have prepared myself for any scenario to happen. I was definitely not prepared for any of this. But now I can be better prepared for next time because all my babies will be delivered via c section.
Paul and his dad gave me a blessing of peace and comfort and I felt it. I knew I was going to live but I was still scared out of my freakin mind. All the trauma from feeling the contractions and pushing for so long to being told a c section was on its way.
Paul got all dressed in his scrubs and hair net and I remember being wheeled out into the hall with my doctor and a bunch of nurses. I remember looking at my doctor and wondering why his scrubs were so low cut because I could see his chest hair and being kind of annoyed about it hahaha. It was so cold and bright getting into the op room. They moved me to the table and put that giant sheet up and got all connected to different wires and things. They had me put my arms out straight and I felt like I was going to be sacrificed at the alter. I was seriously SO scared. But then I remember looking up and seeing a few faces and then seeing Paul hovering over me telling me he was there for me. I'll never forget looking up and seeing his face (or more like his eyes because he had a mask on). He was so comforting and loving. Paul did an amazing job and I am so grateful for him for being so strong through all the craziness and getting me through it all.
What was really scary was when my doctor started asking if I could feel "this" or "this" and I was like uhhh I don't know! I could feel pressure but I couldn't feel pain. Then he started the procedure. Something doctors probably shouldn't say when they have an awake patient during surgery is "well these knives aren't very sharp". When Paul and I heard that we both looked at each other like what the heck is going on. Surprisingly I forgot about it quickly after it was said and didn't freak out too much. All the talking and beeping and the amount of nurses in the room was super distracting. It felt like forever but then I felt a pull and some pressure and like 8 pounds 3 ounces was lifted off of me. :)
It was unbelievable hearing Harbors first little cries. MY baby was crying. Paul went over to see him and cut a portion of the cord. While he was doing that, I was being stitched up. Then all of a sudden I felt like I couldn't breath and started panicking a lot. The nurse by my sided comforted me and told me that it's okay and that my uturus was on my chest causing pressure. I was like wait what? My uterus is on my chest? haha and I laugh about it now but I was sooo confused at the time.
So finally after a while Paul came to my side with OUR baby. Seeing Paul hold our baby was the best thing I have ever seen. I just couldn't believe it. He was SO cute and one of my first thoughts was that he looked so much like Tanner (my nephew) who I loooovvee so much. Immediately we could see that Harbor has my eyes but has so much of Paul. How great is it that I get to share my birthday with my son?!
In the recovery room I was able to hold my baby for the first time and try to nurse. We spent a lot of time there and then finally they wheeled me to my room while the little new baby song played over the intercom.
I was in the hospital for four days and honestly hated every minute of it. It just felt so dark and gloomy and like I would never feel better again. It was really hard on me not being able to get up by myself and feed Harbor or change his bum. This is where Paul was the biggggest help and I am soo thankful for him. We were all so exhausted but Paul was always by my side to help me, hand me Harbor when it was time to eat, when I needed to get up for the bathroom, shower, and let me cry all over him many many times. It was really really hard. I couldn't have done any of it without Paul.
I had a nurse who's name is Julia that was really great and encouraging in every aspect of my recovery. I was lucky enough to have her a couple of times. It could have been just coincidence that my nurse Julia was there with me so much but through her I felt that my own sister Julia was there with me and helping me through.
We were finally able to go home on Sunday afternoon. As uncomfortable and painful as it was, I absolutely loved sitting in the backseat with my new baby boy with Paul driving us home. I wont ever forget that moment. It felt SO amazing to finally be home in our own space with our tiny babe.
Being home I thought that things would just be easy from here on out and that I would heal quickly and we could get on with our lives. That wasn't the case at all and there were some major set backs due to my incision not healing and actually splitting open pretty far. I'll spare the nasty details but I couldn't look at my incision without bawling. It was SO hard seeing what had happened and how bad it looked. Even seeing how concerned the doctor was about it made me sick. That first week I was definitely caught in a depressed state and felt so bad over everything. After that week Paul hid the little mirror I used to look at my incision and told me he would look at it and clean it every day so that I wouldn't have to see it. I am SO thankful that Paul isn't too squeamish about blood and all that haha. He did a great job and I can now look at it without crying or wanting to barf. It's finally healing after 5 weeks. It will never be perfect and I'm still pretty upset with certain aspects of it but like Paul has told me "It's a token of Harbor. You traded your body for something much greater." And it is all so worth it.
Also breastfeeding.. It's like the hardest thing ever. I know it comes so naturally for some but for me I had a really difficult time. Part of that was because I had a c section and the different hormones that come with it. I felt like a failure and the hospital pediatrician sure didn't make me feel any better (Ugh!). Making the decision to stop trying to feed Harbor practically nothing from my poor pancake boobs (haha) was really hard. When my milk finally decided to come in it literally was there for half a day and then nothing. Harbor was upset, I was upset. And I needed to feed my baby! So formula it is! And we are perfectly okay with it now (except for the smell.. oh my gosh it's disgusting haha). But there is SO much judgement that comes with breastfeeding or not breastfeeding. I literally had thoughts that if I don't nurse then Harbor won't know that I am his mom and he won't ever love me the same. I can say now that is completely not true. Harbor and I bond in so many other ways and I know that he knows I'm his mommy and I know that he is getting the nutrients he needs. Formula is a blessing people!
Giving birth really didn't go as planned obviously. I just wanted to do what my body was meant to do which was to have a baby vaginally and to be able to feed my baby naturally. But honestly, it all doesn't even matter now. I am so thankful to live in this day where my baby and I were able to survive because of medicine and technology. I am SO thankful for Paul and for literally being my rock throughout this whole craziness. Harbor is so lucky to have an amazing dad to look up to and learn from. I love my boys so much. I will never be able to explain how traumatizing it all was for me but I can say with confidence that I would do it over and over again if it means that I get to bring a perfect tiny soul into this world and be his mother. I love being Harbors mommy.
